banner photo credit: Christina @ wocintechchat.com
article by Freeman Wicklund
Helen Keller once communicated, “Everybody talks, nobody listens. Good listeners are as rare as white crows."
Have you known any white crows in your lifetime? Haha. :)
I invite you to remember a time when you talked with a friend about a stressful or challenging situation in your life and felt really listened to and appreciated. Bring it to life in vivid details. Remember what you thought, felt, and said, and what they did and how that made you feel... Do that before reading on.
After remembering that time, answer these questions:
• How did that make you feel?.... Appreciated? Validated? Connected? Loved? Safe? Hopeful?
• What benefits did you get from being deeply listened to?.... Did you gain more perspective? Feel more resourced? Feel less isolated? Feel more supported?
• What did they do or say that helped you most?.... Did they give you their full attention? Did they demonstrate care in your wellbeing? Did they allow you to feel what you were feeling?
Whether they knew it or not, your friend who listened to you was most likely engaged in "mindful listening and reflecting." Mindful listening and reflecting is a learnable skill that improves relationships, deepens intimacy, and creates more love and wellbeing in for both the sharer and the listener. This article will share the key attitudes and strategies of how to listen mindfully so you can practice it in your life and gain the benefits from it.
And if you can't think of a time when someone really listened to you, don't feel bad. As Helen Keller says, "Good listeners are as rare as white crows." You may have yet to experience the joy of being listened to deeply and mindfully.
Thanks City-House
A few years ago, I attended a two-day training by a local faith-based nonprofit called City-House, that is now defunct, due to the pandemic.
The training taught people "deep listening" or "spiritual listening" which they defined as listening that is "compassionate, affirming, and non-judgmental." From here on out, I will call it "mindful listening."
These trainings helped create a pool of volunteers available to listed to people affected by homelessness, drug addiction, sexual abuse, and other serious crises. According to the City-House website, "For many the greatest poverty is isolation and our volunteers offer deep listening that fosters connection, builds resilience, gives hope, affirms dignity, and leads to overall well-being."
The information I share in this article, is based on information I received from that training. They used the mnemonic LISTEN to help their volunteers remember how to mindfully listen and reflect, and I have taken the liberty to adapt what each letter stands for to better fit the skills and language we use in our Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 training.
Mindful Listeners Provide a Sense of Safety
Now, we must remember that it takes courage and vulnerability for someone to share their struggles and grief with another person. Most people will not do this unless they feel safe and respected. It can be painful to endure the judgment and disrespect of others. As a result, many people keep their issues locked-up and walled off inside their hearts and heads, or use lies to paint a more rosy picture.
The purpose of a mindful listener is to listen in a compassionate, affirming, non-judgmental manner that allows others to feel safe enough to share their fears and struggles, and helps them find empathy, connection, and understanding.
How to Mindfully Listen?
How does one listen mindfully? They need to remember to LISTEN, which is an acronym for:
Let go of ego
Invite love in
Self-awareness or mindfulness
Tune into them
Encourage them to share (Also called reflecting)
Notice & trust your inner wisdom
Let's unpack each of these aspects of mindful listening now.
Let Go of Ego
The intention here is to mindfully notice and set aside all internal thoughts, feelings, and sensations that distract you or prevent you from listening to the other person. As you settle in to listen to someone, take a mindful pause, and do a brief body scan to notice any tension in the body and invite those parts to relax and soften.
When about to have a difficult conversation with someone that you fear, gently and mindfully inventory what you are afraid might happen. Offer some silent phrases of self-compasion to yourself, such as “Sweetie, this is hard. Just as I feel fear, all beings feel fear. May I use this fear for my inner growth. May I love and accept myself exactly as I am, fear and all.”
Then offer kindness to the person, with silent words such as, “May you be peaceful and happy. May you be safe and protected. May you be free from all your suffering.”
Then do this equanimity exercise with each fear that arose during the inventory. "If [name what you fear] happens, I will be OK. If [name what I fear] doesn't happen, I will be OK." For example, "If he starts to cry, I will be OK. If he doesn't start to cry, I will be OK." Or "If she yells at me, I will be OK. If she doesn't yell at me, I will be OK." The purpose here is to invoke some peaceful equanimity and loving wisdom by releasing our attachment to any specific outcome.
Use the above exercises to address your fears as much as you can beforehand. During the conversation, be mindful. Have the conversation be a meditation with the speaker being the anchor of your awareness. Hear what they say, try and understand the meaning behind their words, and notice their emotions underlying it all. Then when thoughts, feelings, or sensations arise in you, gently notice them, and then lovingly return your attention to the speaker. In this way, you help let go of ego and show up mindfully for the speaker.
Invite Love In
Set an intention for this listening session to be an act of love, one where you demonstrate respect for them and create a safe space for them to share their story free from any judgment. Ask the Higher Power of your understanding for the courage, vulnerability, openness, and mindfulness you will need to be a good listener.
Be open to both giving and receiving love. Trust that your inner wisdom and love will help guide you through this listening session. If helpful, visualize love filling your body and radiating out to the other person and filling the room.
Be open to hearing, trusting, and following the small, still voice of loving wisdom when it arises in you.
Self-Awareness & Mindfulness
During the listening session be mindful of all of the arising thoughts, emotions, sensations, and moods that arise in your body and mind. Treat your listening session as a meditation.
Thoughts will arise about what is skillful or unskillful, right or wrong, what should be done, what shouldn't have been done, similar experiences in your life, and so on. When thoughts arise, mindfully notice them, kindly set them to the side, and peacefully return your attention to the speaker.
In the same way, if an emotion, sensation, or mood arises, peacefully notice it and return your attention to the speaker. The intention here is to be mindful of these conditioned arisings, so they don't unconsciously control your behavior and distract you from connecting with the person.
Tune Into Them
Warmly look them in the eyes while they speak. Listen for the deeper meaning behind their words. Notice what emotions arise in them, and allow them to arise. Be aware of their unmet needs behind those emotions (for more info on this, read this Nonviolent Communication Learning Guide).
As City-House says in one of their training handouts, "This is not a time to gather information, give advice, fix, or change another person's outlook." Set aside any and all other agendas, and focus on their story, their needs, their emotions, and their wisdom.
Encourage Them to Share
There are several things you can do to help encourage them to share.
Give them verbal and nonverbal cues that let them know you follow what they are saying like nodding your head, smiling, and saying "u-hu."
Be comfortable with silences. Often a speaker needs time to gather their thoughts before they continue speaking. Maintain a patient countenance and give them that time.
When you do finally speak, start your response with one of these reflective phrases that encourage them to share more:
I heard... (I heard you saying that life since your mother past has been very hard and you are feeling hopeless. Is that right?)
I noticed... (I noticed a lot of sadness and frustration over losing your job. Is that what you feel?)
I appreciated... (I appreciate how strong, self-aware, and courageous you have been in dealing with this tragedy.)
Could you tell me more about... (Could you tell me more about how the diagnosis impacted you?)
I wonder... (I wonder what you would like your relationship with your brother to look like?)
The prompts, "I heard" or "I noticed" allow you to reflect back to them what you heard them say. This either confirms for them that you understood them, or it gives them the opportunity to clarify what they are trying to say further.
These two prompts also allow you to name the feelings and needs you heard them talk about, even if they never mentioned them. For example, "I heard a lot of grief and shame in your voice. Is that what you were feeling?" Or, "I noticed that you were really needing some empathy and understanding from your friend. Is that what you wanted from her?"
The prompt, "I appreciate" reminds us to validate and appreciate their skillful qualities, their struggles, and their efforts. Examples include: "I appreciate how you reached out to your friends and community to help you through that." Or, "I appreciate how generous you have been with sharing your resources with others who are going through the same thing."
The prompt, "Could you tell me more about..." allows us to invite them to go deeper into the story and share more about it. "You mentioned not being happy when your husband returned home from his travels. Could you tell me more about that?" This question is especially useful when it seems like they may have glossed over something they really need to talk about.
The prompt, "I wonder" allows you to gently explore their story and their gifts. For example, "As I listened to all the hardships you have been through, I wonder what brings you hope and strength to keep going?"
Use the "I wonder" prompt only when emotionally your speaker feels safe and are relatively peaceful, calm, and happy. It is best to bring this prompt out closer to the end of the conversation after they have processed their difficult emotions. If used too early, it may feel to the speaker like you are controlling the conversation when you really want the speaker to have that control.
However, in general, all of these prompts will keep the focus on the speaker and encourage them to share more.
Notice & Trust Your Inner Wisdom
When mindfully listening to others, you may experience beautiful moments of connection, compassion, and love. Wisdom may arise in what the speaker says, or from within yourself. When wisdom arises, notice it, and act on it. We want to give our loving wisdom free reign to act skillfully in the moment, even if it doesn't rigidly follow the other suggestions made in this article.
For example, wisdom may encourage you to share something from your own life, to show your willingness to be honest and vulnerable with the speaker, and make the conversation more shared and mutual. That can be a wonderful gift when it comes from a place of love and wisdom.
The love we practice is active, platonic, non-possessive, and cares equally for the person we listen to, for ourselves, and for all life. Listen to wisdom that arises from that love.
If someone you speak with experiences a mental or emotional breakdown, remain calm and present and offer them loving-kindness. If, however, they start to act or behave erratically in a way that makes you feel unsafe, then listen to your loving wisdom, end the session and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Mindfully Reflect on the Experience
Before we review the skills of mindful listening, let me just add that after a listening session, give thanks for the experience, connection, and benefits that arose from the session.
It is also helpful to mindfully reflect on what in the session was most life-giving and what was not? How might you increase the life-giving moments in future sessions? How might you avoid problems that arose?
If difficult things arose during the session that caused you to lose your inner balance, offer yourself some self-compassion. Remember that all you can do is do your best. Then trust that Life will do the rest. Appreciate yourself for your courage and willingness to enter these challenging spaces to serve others.
Mindful Listening and Reflecting are Compassionate, Affirming, and Nonjudgmental
To summarize, mindful listening and reflecting is compassionate, affirming, and nonjudgmental. Mindful listening is a learnable skill that improves relationships, deepens intimacy, and creates more love in your life. To listen mindfully, it helps to remember to LISTEN:
Let go of ego
Invite love in
Self-awareness of body and mind
Tune into them
Encourage them to share
Notice & trust your inner wisdom
Once again, remember the time you were deeply listened to by a friend. Gently reflect on how much your friend exhibited these attitudes and strategies as they listened to you:
Were they egoless?
Did their inner love shine?
Did they not let their thoughts and feelings get in the way of you sharing what you needed to share?
Did they focus on you and allow you to direct the conversation?
Did they encourage you to share what was in your mind and heart?
Did they possess a situational wisdom that allowed them to give you what you needed?
Notice if there is a pretty good overlap between how your friend showed up for you, and these LISTEN recommendations? If there is not, why do you suppose that is the case?
To be, as Helen Keller put it, a "white crow" who can mindfully listen to others in a compassionate, validating, and nonjudgmental manner, is a goal worth putting some effort into. Even if we already embody these mindful listening practices regularly, practice will help us become more consistent at it. Consider attending our Community Heart Shares to practice mindful listening and reflecting and see it in action.
Let's resolve to be mindful listeners for our friends, family, and those we encounter. Let's experiment with mindful listening to see if it fosters connection, builds resilience, gives hope, affirms dignity, and helps create overall wellbeing. Let us all be the white crows this world needs.
Additional Resources
• Remember to LISTEN Handout: Print and hang these in rooms at home and work where you commonly engage in conversations with people in person, on the phone, or via the computer. Let the guide remind you to listen mindfully and offer reflective comments.
• Practice mindful listening and reflecting at our Community Heart Shares. Get the details at our events page.