Reflective Question: Before reading further, think of a time when someone really comforted you while you grieved a loss. Then identify three qualities that this person embodied? Once you have done that, read on…
A Tragic Loss
In 2009, psychotherapist Megan Devine, and her healthy, fit, 39-year-old partner of five years, Matt, thought it would be fun to take a quick swim in the river. But things did not go as planned. Matt disappeared and she could not find him. A search and rescue team was called in to look for him.
After two hours of searching the lead warden approached her and said, "I am sorry, but he is dead."
She was shocked, confused, and desperate for information about what happened. Not a minute after hearing the news, a well-meaning crisis worker approached her and said, "Now that you are a widow, you'll need..." and started listing off resources available to her.
Megan felt emotionally blindsided. Although the crisis worker's intentions were good, her words and behavior were completely tone deaf to Megan's situation and made an unfathomably tragic situation even worse.
Help that Harms
Unfortunately, this miserable encounter was the first of many wretched encounters with friends, family, therapists, and even clergy who were well-meaning but caused more harm than help. The advice and wisdom they offered to cheer her up and make her feel better always had a second "ghost sentence" that was never said, but that she heard loud and clear.
When they said, "He's in a better place," she heard instead “stop feeling so sad”.
When they said, "Matt would want you to be happy and move on with your life," she heard “stop feeling so sad”.
When they said, "At least Matt had a good life and finished his work here," she heard “stop feeling so sad”.
The consistent theme she heard repeatedly was it was not OK for her to feel sad or grieve. She was made to feel defective for wanting and needing to grieve the death of her partner. Most people wanted her to buck up, be positive, be happy, and get over it.
All of these comments demonstrated a lack of situational awareness and empathy regarding her life circumstances. Even though the people were caring and well-meaning, their attempts to gloss over her tragedy felt like a slap in the face. It felt like being sad was some unforgivable crime.
This additional layer of misery she experienced on top of the tragedy of the death of Matt, drove her to author the book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand. It also led her to create the website RefugeInGrief.com, where she gives practical, helpful advice to those in grief and those who want to support those in grief. Much of what I share here is based on her hard-won wisdom.
Why Care?
Grief affects us all. We live in a world where everything changes, and death is inevitable. This means that all of us, and all of our loved ones, will be touched by grief and loss. When this happens, we want to be there for our friends, our community, and each other.
This begs the questions: How can we avoid harming our friends who grieve?
And how can we support our loved ones who grieve in a way that truly helps them?
We Can Comfort Our Grieving Friends
The good news is we can comfort our grieving friends. We can comfort them by:
1. Letting them grieve.
2. Acknowledging their pain and the awfulness of their situation.
3. By being a mindful, compassionate presence.
Avoid Unsolicited Advice and Wisdom, and Trying to Cheer Them Up
Watch this four-minute video created by Megan Divine that speaks to why it is important to let grieving people grieve, to acknowledge their pain and situation, and be a mindful, compassionate presence.
Reflective Questions: Remembering the time someone really comforted you while you were grieving, answer the following:
• Did they let you grieve, or did they try to cheer you up?
• Did they validate your feelings and situation?
• Did they offer you unsolicited advice or wisdom?
• Were they a compassionate presence?
Summary
Some takeaway points are:
• Let grieving people grieve. You can't fix their situation, so don't try. Unless they ask for it, don't offer advice or wisdom. They are not in a place to hear it or act on it, and it may cause them to feel shame for feeling how they feel and behaving as they behave. Don't try to cheer them up. It won't work, and it will make them feel more isolated and alone.
As hard as it is to do, let them grieve. Allow them to suffer. This is part of the healing process for the body and mind.
• Acknowledge their grief and their situation. Help them feel seen, heard, and understood. That is a deep gift of light to someone going through the dark tunnel of grief. Tell them: I hear your grief and sadness, and it is normal and OK. This is a sucky situation, of course you feel this way.
• Be a compassionate presence. Be a loving friend, an empathic ear, who can listen without judgment, and who can be OK with them being in pain. This will help you connect with them and help them feel seen, understood, and appreciated.
This is just an introduction to this topic. I encourage you to check out the additional resources below that we may all be compassionate, affirming presences for our loved ones as they grieve.
Additional Resources
Learn more at RefugeInGrief.com.
Read this PDF: How to Help a Grieving Friend: 11 Things to Do When You're Not Sure What to Do, an article by Megan Devine, founder of Refuge in Grief
Watch this 3-minute Brené Brown video on empathy.