In class 3.04 — The Power of Unconditional Self-Compassion (from the Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 course) — you learned that a growing body of research finds people who relate to themselves with self-compassion instead of self-judgment experience numerous benefits. They are more authentic, courageous, confident, and enthusiastic. They have more perspective and wisdom, and are less afraid of failure. They are better able to balance self-care with serving others. Their relationships are more loving, authentic, and mutually supportive.
Hearing this, you may be inspired you to try and test self-compassion in your life to see how it may benefit, improve, and enhance your wellbeing. This article will help you do just that.
This article seeks to teach you how to implement the practice of self-compassion. This article will cover the four essential aspects of self-compassion, which can be remembered with the acronym MICK: Mindfulness, Intentions, Connection, and Kindness. This article will also guide you through a journaling activity to help you create a self-compassion mantra (So please, grab your journal, before you continue). Then the article will give you instructions for how to use your self-compassion manta as an easy way to start treating yourself with compassion when you suffer or face difficulties.
How Self-Compassion Fits in the Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 Course
In the Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 course, self-compassion is a vital component. Self-compassion helps us become less concerned about managing our self-image, and more concerned with relating to ourselves and all of our various psychological, physical, and emotional parts with care, concern, kindness, and understanding.
Self-compassion reminds us that all humans make mistakes, that mistakes are inevitable, and that we have inherent worth and value (rather than seeing ourselves as having conditional worth that is tied to our goodness, success, acceptance by others, or other external conditions). This wisdom helps us become better able to see and admit to our strengths and weaknesses more clearly, without the distorting and suffering-producing filter of self-judgment. This aids us in addressing those unskillful aspects of ourselves within a compassionate context.
In this way, self-compassion gives us the wisdom and courage to skillfully respond to suffering in our life and in the life of others. Of course, we don’t start by practicing self-compassion on our most extreme psychological traumas. That’s a recipe for failure. Just as someone doing their first workout may start by lifting 5-pound weights, we practice self-compassion with 5-pound difficulties at first, such as doing the daily compassion meditation. These practice sessions build our wisdom and compassion muscles. As our strength grows, we then move on to 10-pound difficulties, like comforting ourselves in real life whenever we feel anxiety, dread, anger, or fear.
These workouts further strengthen us so we can start to relate with compassion to our shadow -- all the psychological and emotional parts of ourselves that we have, up till now, denied, judged harshly, or tried repressed. And on and on until eventually, we can use our compassion to skillfully address and heal our most extreme psychological traumas.
Given self-compassion’s key role in creating wellbeing in our life, it gets two spots on Our First Road Map to Love and Wisdom. It gets its own cycle to stress how vitally important this practice is. It is also the T in the BATLADI practice. T stands for “Treat yourself with compassion.” We teach self-compassion early in the course because this practice aids us in being able to stay mindful when difficulty and suffering arises. And if we want to transcend suffering, we need to first be ale to confront it, hold it mindfully, and investigate it to see how it works, what causes it, and what we can do to not perpetuate it. Self-compassion helps us with that.
Having given you the overview of how vital the self-compassion practice is and where it fits into the course, we can now turn to teach you how to implement self-compassion in your life.
The Four Aspects of Compassion
To help you remember the four aspects of self-compassion, memorize the phrase: When life gives you a kick, try (the self-compassion of) MICK. Then memorize what the acronym MICK stands for:
Mindfulness: Because “we can’t heal what we can’t feel,” mindfulness reminds us to be aware of any unpleasantness in the body, and to see it clearly as it is without any aversion, judgment, and identification.
Intentions: Because we may respond to suffering unskillfully with self-judgment, blaming and judging others, and/or chasing after sense-pleasures, we set three skillful intentions:
Because we have inherent worth and value, we commit to relating to ourselves and all parts of ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, care, and compassion.
Because all life has inherent worth and value, we commit to relating to all life with unconditional love, kindness, care, and compassion.
Because difficulties are always opportunities for growth, we commit to using our difficulties and suffering to encourage inner growth that helps us become more mindful, wise, loving, and skillful.
Connection: Because when we suffer, we are prone to feel isolated, alone, and cut off from others, we remember our commonalities to, and connections with, humanity, all beings, and all life forms.
Kindness: Because self-judgment is unkind, unhelpful, and untrue, we offer ourselves the support, understanding, validation, and kindness we’d offer a good friend in a similar situation.
These four aspects of Mindfulness, Intentions, Connection, and Kindness make up the practice of self-compassion. A simple way to help use these aspects to soothe ourselves when we suffer or experience difficulties is by creating a self-compassion mantra.
What’s a Self-Compassion Mantra?
A self-compassion mantra is a handful of sentences that we memorize and say to ourselves whenever life “gives us a kick.” The mantra includes all four aspects of self-compassion, and provides us an easy way to start relating to ourselves with compassion when we experience difficulties.
Here is an example of self-compassion mantra:
Beloved friend, this is a moment of suffering.
May I use this difficulty for my inner growth.
Just as I suffer now, all feeling beings suffer.
I love and accept myself exactly as I am.
I offer myself the kindness and support that I need.
Here is a second example that changes due to the emotions and difficulties we face. The parts that change are in brackets. In this example, the person using it feels a lot of shame and embarrassment after bombing a crucial speech in front of an important client and all of their peers, which led to them getting demoted at work.
Dear sweetie, this [failure, demotion, and the shame and embarrassment I feel] is hard to bear.
May I use this difficulty to help me grow more wise, compassionate, strong, and skillful.
Everyone experiences [failure of some kind], and everyone feels [shame and embarrassment].
These experiences and emotions come and go, and they do not define us, nor tarnish our inherent self-worth and value.
May I hold my suffering with tenderness and be gentle and understanding with myself.
As you can see from these two examples, self-compassion mantras may be very different from each other.
Tips for Creating a Self-Compassion Mantra
Here are some tips you can use to help create your own unique self-compassion mantra.
Have the mantra contain all four aspects of self-compassion (mindfulness, intention setting, connection, and kindness).
Keep the mantra short to make it easy to remember.
Choose phrases and words that help you access your inner love and wisdom and allow you to feel their peace, connection, and compassion. Examples of possible sentences to use are listed below.
Think of a term of endearment that you may call yourself that helps you relate to yourself with warmth and kindness. Then use it in the mantra and during your self-compassion practice.
Creating a Self-Compassion Mantra
Now, it is time to create your own personalized self-compassion mantra! For each component of the mantra, we will walk you through its purpose and share some example phrases or options you may use. You will then choose one or more of the options, or create your own that serves the same purpose, and write your choice in your journal.
By the end of this article, you will have your very own personalized self-compassion mantra and a game plan for what kind of touch and movement you will do to help soothe yourself when you face challenges.
Friendly Address
Your self-compassion mantra starts by addressing yourself in a warm and friendly way. This address will help you relate to yourself with kindness, compassion, care, and love.
You may call yourself a term of endearment such as: dear, love, darling, buddy, friend, sweetie, honey, buddy, bro, boss, beloved, and so on. You may also address yourself using a combination of these words such as: dear buddy, darling sweetie, oh friend, gentle bro, poor love, and so on. You may also address yourself by name such as: beloved Tom or dear Sarah. Pick a friendly way to address yourself that helps you feel love, warmth, and kindness for yourself.
Journal Task 1
1. In your journal, write the heading “My Self-Compassion Mantra.” Underneath it, write a phrase to address yourself with warmth, kindness, and compassion when you are facing a difficulty. If none of them speak to you, or you can’t decide on one, then simply write: “Dear Sweetie.”
Mindfulness Phrases
Mindfulness encourages us to turn our attention inward and look clearly at what is happening in the mind and body in a manner that is free of aversion, judgment, and identification. Since you will be using the self-compassion mantra when you face a difficulty, the phrase in the part, simply needs to acknowledge and validate any pain or suffering you feel.
Examples phrases include:
This is really difficult right now.
This is really hard right now.
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is being know.
Pain is being known.
This is really difficult.
Feeling this is unpleasant.
Journal Task 2
2. In your journal, write a phrase from above, or one of your own creation, that acknowledges the difficulty you face or the suffering you feel. Keep it general enough that it will apply in all situations. If none of them speak to you, or you can’t decide on one, then simply write: “Suffering is being known.”
IntentionS Phrases
It is a common pattern that when we suffer, our mind tends to generate self-judgment and other falsehoods, which generates afflictive emotions, which causes us to behave unskillfully in ways that don’t benefit, and may even harm, ourselves and others. Intention setting reminds us of our commitments to break that pattern; to love ourselves and all our parts and problems unconditionally; and to respond to difficulties with compassion, care, kindness and skillfulness.
When we suffer, fail, or don’t live up to our own standards, we set loving intentions to renounce judging ourselves and commit to using our difficulties to grow in love, wisdom, and skillfulness. We learn how to compassionately hold what’s challenging and relate to it with kindness and care, and also how to not identify with it.
Possible phrases that we can use to remind us of these intentions include:
May I use this (difficulty) for my inner growth.
I commit to using this (difficulty) for my inner growth.
I will use this difficulty for my inner growth.
May I love myself and all my parts unconditionally.
May I remember that I have inherent self-worth.
May I relate to myself and this difficulty with mindfulness, compassion, and care.
Journal Task 3
3. In your journal, write a phrase from above, or use one that you created, that reminds you of your inherent self-worth and your commitment to love yourself unconditionally. If none of them speak to you, or you can’t decide on one, then simply write: “May I use this for my inner growth.”
Connection Phrases
When we suffer, it is common for us to feel alone and isolated. We think no one else knows what we are going through, or nobody else feels what we feel. But that is not true. All feeling beings suffer. All feeling beings, at some point in their lives, get injured, feel pain, fall ill, develop disease, suffer, and die. The suffering we feel actually connects us to lived experiences of numerous other beings who suffer the same or similar conditions and feel the same or similar feelings.
The connection aspect of self-compassion is where we remind ourselves of all of the many common aspects that we share with all beings and life forms, including:
• All life has inherent value and deserves respect, compassion, and kindness. We are not defined by anything that comes and goes such as our strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, fame or disrepute, pleasures and pains, gains and losses, skillfulness and unskillfulness, and so on.
All life wants to be safe and happy, live in peace, and be treated with respect and kindness.
All feeling beings experience hardship, suffering, sickness, and death.
All human beings are imperfect, make mistakes, fail at times, or behave unskillfully in ways they later regret.
All beings and life forms are products of impersonal conditioning and that conditioning is not their fault. (We will explain this and its ramifications in more detail on this in class 5 of Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0)
Some examples connection statements include:
Everyone feels this way sometimes.
Everyone feels [emotion/ sensation] at times
Everyone experiences [describe situation] at times.
All feeling beings suffer, and want to be treated with respect.
It is the nature of all feeling beings to suffer.
This suffering is part of being a sensitive, feeling being.
All feeling beings suffer.
This is a part of being human.
Everyone overreacts sometimes; it’s only human.
Suffering is a part of life.
All humans make mistakes.
Failure is a part of being human.
All life wants to be safe and live in peace.
Journal Task 4
4. In your journal, write one or two phrases from above, or that you created, that helps you feel connected to either humanity, all being, or all life. If none of them speak to you, or you can’t decide on one, then simply write: “All feeling beings suffer, and want to be treated with respect.”
Kindness Phrases
Kindness encourages us to relate to ourselves with kindness and care, as if we are our best friend.
We do this verbally by saying phrases that offer support, understanding, validation, wisdom, and care.
I love and accept myself exactly as I am
This too will pass.
Soften, sooth, and allow.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I hold my pain with tenderness.
May I be gentle and understanding with myself.
May I give myself the compassion I need.
I am worthy of love and care.
I will treat myself with compassionate and care.
How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?
How can I care for this body-mind right now?
It’s okay. You messed up, but it isn’t the end of the world.
I understand how frustrated you were and why you just lost it.
I know how much you value being kind to others and how badly you feel right now.
Let me focus on calming and comforting myself.
Poor darling, I know how incredibly difficult it is for you right now.
May I relate to myself, all parts of myself, and this difficulty with mindfulness, compassion, and care.
Journal Task 5
5. In your journal, write two phrases from above, or that you created, that helps you feel loved, validated, understood, and supported. If none of them speak to you, or you can’t decide on one, then simply write: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am. My I relate to myself, all parts of myself, and this difficulty with mindfulness, compassion, and care.”
You now have a completed self-compassion mantra — congratulations! However, the written portion is only part of it. Another aspect is intending to offer yourself kind and supportive touch and movement.
Soothing Touch
Just like cats enjoy grooming themselves, we humans can also touch ourselves in enjoyable and soothing ways. Take a few minutes to explore what kind of touch you find most soothing. Do this with a kind and loving intention to bring care and compassion towards those parts that you touch. Intention is vital.
Activity
1. Mindfully give yourself a 10-20 second hug and notice its feeling tone (pleasant, unpleasant, or neither pleasant nor unpleasant).
2. Take a few minutes to mindfully explore other kinds of touch and notice their feeling tones. Do you enjoy pressure, squeezing, caressing, scratching, tapping, massaging, or something else? Do you enjoy touching your head, heart, abdomen, arms, legs, or other parts?
3. For aches and pains that are deeper in the body, you may imagine stroking them with a hand that can move through matter and caress those aches and pains directly. Try that out on your heart, brain, intestines, or places where you regularly feel unpleasantness and notice the feeling tone for each one.
4. Is there any movement you find soothing, supportive, and helpful? Take a few minutes to mindfully explore movement and notice their feeling tones. Do you enjoy rocking, stretching, dancing, or vigorous exercise (often helpful when feeling lots of anger or hatred).
5. For each bullet point, take 10-20 seconds to practice how you would use touch and/or movement to skillfully soothe and/or release:
a headache?
a sore muscle in your legs or arms?
an achy back?
fear or anxiety?
shame and despair?
anger or hatred?
loneliness and isolation?
Journal Task 6
6. In your journal, list 3-10 common unpleasant emotions or sensations you feel in the body. Then take 10-20 seconds to practice how you would use touch and/or movement to skillfully soothe and/or release them.
7. Based on your investigations, list which forms of touch and movement did you find most soothing? Put a smiley face next to those forms of touch and movement that you may feel comfortable doing in front of other people.
Good work! Now you have some ideas on how to use touch and movement as well as your mantra to offer yourself self-compassion. They are to be used together.
Tips for Using Your Self-Compassion Mantra
Now that you have crafted your self-compassion mantra, start using it. Write it in the appropriate section of this week’s intention setting (It is is the MF3.04 handouts which can be downloaded here) to practice saying it every morning, and to commit to using it when difficulties arise. Write it on a piece of paper to carry with you to refer to it whenever you need to use it throughout your day.
We also recommend doing a daily compassion meditation. We have a guided one with phrases of compassion and one that is silent where you may use the same phrases by memory, or the phrases of your self-compassion mantra. You can find both guided meditations here in 5 and 6 minute lengths.
Then, during your day when difficulties arise, practice self-compassion. If you are in a social situation that makes you feel self-conscious using it, excuse yourself and find a safe and secluded space to practice.
To start, say your mantra and try to feel the meaning behind the words. Saying the mantra will remind you of the four parts of self-compassion: mindfulness, intentions, connection, and kindness. When using the mantra, also soothe yourself with gentle touch and movement that feels nurturing, supportive, helpful, and kind.
Say the mantra as many times as you want to. Then, go off script while continuing to soothe any remaining unpleasantness with gentle touch and any other words of mindfulness, intention, connection, or kindness. Relate with compassion to yourself, to all of your various parts, and to whatever difficult situation you face. Do the self-compassion practice until you regain a level of mindfulness and composure that allows you to respond to the situation in a skillful manner that benefits yourself and all those involved.
On a feeling level, any unpleasantness that you experience, is allowed to be there and be acknowledged. Your self-compassion practice helps you relate to unpleasantness with compassion, and that compassion introduces pleasant sensations into the situation. Some describe it as if the unpleasantness is being surrounded and held by a larger space of peace, warmth, and care.
As you practice, be mindful of all sensations, their feeling tones (are they pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral?), and if they are worldly (sense-based) or relational (not sense-based). Your body is a compass that leads you home to truth and love. Relational pleasures like compassion must be understood on a felt and experiential level. The pleasurable feelings of compassion help you know that the compassion you feel is genuine, authentic, and not tainted with falsehoods.
It may happen that you don’t feel compassion often, or at all, as you start to use the practice. That is OK. Remember, you are attempting to change habits of relating towards yourself that you created over your entire lifetime. This is no easy feat. So be patient with yourself, the practice, and in seeing results. Try the practice routinely for at least three months before you evaluate how it is working in your life. That’s enough time to solidly learn the components of self-compassion, wield them effectively, be able to practice them when times are tough, and experience the benefits that the practice has to offer you.
As you practice, be mindful of how the practice affects you. Does it help you face difficulties? Does it help your mind stay more balanced? Does it help your heart to stay more open? Does it help relieve feelings of loneliness and isolation? Does it reduce your suffering? How else does it impact you?
You may find it useful to periodically journal about your self-compassion practice and how it is benefitting you and the insights you have gained from using it.
Summary
Research shows that people who practice self-compassion regularly experience many benefits. This article helped you create a self-compassion mantra that includes the four essential aspects of self-compassion: mindfulness, intentions, connection, and kindness. It also helped you explore touch and movement as ways to also express self-compassion, so you may include that as part of your practice.
With regular practice, you will come to know the relational pleasure of self-compassion on a felt and experiential level. This will aid you in knowing when compassion is present and when it is not present in you. You will intimately know the four aspects of it. You will become comfortable soothing yourself with kind touch and movement. And you will start to enjoy the many, many benefits of self-compassion in your life.
We wish you boundless success in your efforts!
Additional Self-Compassion Resources
1. Take the Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 course to learn more. Class four, The Power of Unconditional Self-Compassion, speaks directly to this subject.
2. If you haven’t yet, read Troubleshooting Self-Compassion to learn about how to respond skillfully to challenges and doubts that may arise when practicing self-compassion.
3. Watch Dr. Krisin Neff’s poweful TEDx Talk “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion.”
4. This handout is based largely on information found in Dr. Kristin Neff’s excellent book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. If you want to explore this topic more in-depth, we highly recommend reading the book.
5. Learn more about self-compassion at Dr. Neff’s website: self-compassion.org.
Banner photo credit: Jamie Street @jamie452